Loving and Living

Addiction joined our household unbidden and unwelcome several years ago.  It wreaked havoc far and wide and left no one untouched.  I felt my world was falling apart.  I had no idea what the future would hold.  Would my marriage last? Could I continue working? Our world as I had known it ended abruptly in a terrifying and confusing way. I felt the walls caving in around me. 

For the first time we didn’t feel we could confide in the supports we had always relied on in the past.  What would family, friends, and colleagues think? What would educators do if they knew?

This was bigger than any of us, though at first we had no idea how big and powerful this monster was.  With the imagined judgment and stigma associated with drug use, I couldn’t imagine sharing with anyone.  I began to lose myself to my son’s needs. I believed that everything had to be thrown aside so that I could care for him. My emotions depended on how he was doing. I toyed with the idea of taking him away for 3 months to get him clean, thinking I could do this for him.

I had no idea I was entering a world where I couldn’t care for him. That, ultimately, there was nothing I could do to help him.  We threw counseling and programs at him to try to help. None of it would matter until he was ready to get help.   That didn’t stop us from desperately trying every avenue we could think of, encountering a profound lack of resources and support and many roadblocks to getting any real help. 

The alone-ness in the face of so much chaos and confusion was oppressive.  The fear was overwhelming on so many fronts.  Not knowing where to turn for help and not even finding books that dealt with our situation… most of what I found was about heroin addicts, kids who were dead or in prison – this was not our reality. 

We learned how “tough” tough love really is.  We learned how critical self-care is and how essential it is to nurture our marriage.  We learned that we had to live our own lives no matter what was going on with our son.

This does not come naturally, and it’s not easy.  I had a very strong sense of what a mom is supposed to be, what a parent is supposed to do, and the bottom line is you’re supposed to take care of your kid.  They’re not supposed to hurt. And, when they do, you’re supposed to make it better. 

There is no worse feeling than realizing you can’t help your own child, and having to admit that this journey is his to walk, not yours.  I can’t imagine anything harder.  This challenged every image I had of mothering – not being able to fix things, not being able to heal the wounds, and not being able to stop the destructive path. Standing by, giving love unconditionally, and hoping it would be enough, always believing that one day he and we would be ok.  Being there but feeling powerless, feeling unable to make a difference, feeling like our efforts didn’t even matter. 

I lost myself for many months until I began to find myself and realize that it was ok to dream, to have my own desires. It was ok to have joy, even as he was suffering, even as he sunk lower and lower. 

Going down with him would serve no one.  Self-care became critical so that I could support him and be a better me in all of my roles.  You don’t sacrifice yourself for anyone else, no matter how much you love them. It just doesn’t work.  You can’t sacrifice your spirit for somebody else’s journey, even when it’s your child.  This is one of the hardest lessons for sure. 

That and learning to let go and let him walk his own path, while loving him along the way.  It has been an enlightening journey, for sure.  I am reminded of Kahlil Gibran’s words in The Prophet:

“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams…”

There have been gifts out of all of this.  I’ve learned how to love even when I wouldn’t have imagined it possible to love because of the hurt.  I’ve learned to stand by my son as he self-destructed, yet hold myself up.

I’ve learned to find myself in the midst of my child’s chaos, someone who’s so much a part of me and whom I love with all my heart.  I’ve had my heart broken as I watched his life break, and I’ve put the pieces of my heart back together again so I can live my life.

These are the gifts – knowing somehow we’ll all come through this stronger and better than if we hadn’t had this totally unexpected journey.  You don’t want to hear that when it’s happening – it’s a simple, empty platitude that doesn’t bear fruit in the moment. 

Yet, it’s true.  We are stronger for this.  I’m grateful I’ve been able to find the silver lining amongst the scary days. I’m grateful we’ve somehow stayed connected in love and so very grateful we are coming out the other side.

I’ve always held on to hope and yet have been cautiously guarded to not hope too much… not wanting to be foolish enough to believe we’re out of the woods. I hope we will be one day soon.  I hope that my son can give his gifts to the world, for he is incredibly wise, loving, kind, and sensitive.  He has clearly been kept alive for some reason.

The road to recovery is not a smooth one. There are far too many twists, turns, plummets, and accelerations for my liking. There is no fast pass to the end.  But loving and living have helped us to still be standing today, to be connected as a family, and to move toward a new day with hope and optimism

Disconnect to Connect

Disconnect to connect.

Break free from outside distractions,

technology, societal pulls,

mindless busyness

that takes us so far and

 so easily away

from touching in with ourselves

and bonding with each other.

 

Shut out the noise,

the visuals,

the constant “on call.”

 

Be present.

Be here now.

Look into the eyes of your partner,

the heart of your soul.

 

Close your eyes

to see more deeply.

Close your ears

and listen to the silence.

 

Find solace,

find answers,

find deep love

and true meaning

in the void

in the stillness,

in the white and empty space

of unfettered time.

 

Disconnect

to connect

truly and deeply,

in bliss. 

Wake up!

 

Conscious living,

mindful choices,

being awake and aware…

herein lies the magic

to creating the life

 you desire

and deserve.

 

Too often we float through life

in a dream-like trance,

sleep-walking through the motions,

unaware of what we’re doing,

paying no attention,

losing time in moments

and days.

 

Wake up!

Wake up and choose

who you want to be,

how you want to be,

and what this beautiful life of yours

will look like today.

 

What will it reflect about you?

How will it nourish you?

What will be meaningful

and fulfilling and exciting

in a life lived consciously?

How will you spend your time?

Who will be with you?

How will you honor your body

and your spirit

on this day?

 

So, I wrote this yesterday as a wake-up call to myself... a reminder to be present, to be mindful, to be conscious.  And, then I "consciously" watched myself make choices that maybe weren't "the best" for me. I chose blueberry pancakes AND eggs, instead of just eggs. I chose pasta AND baklava for dinner, because I wanted them, even though I might have felt better if I had had the salad.  So, were those conscious choices?  Yes! Because I was aware as I was making them - aware that I was making them and aware of what the consequences would be, and choosing anyway.  Were they mindful?  Maybe not, but having the awareness of what I was doing allowed me to decide to be ok with the choices I was making in that moment. Therefore I could be ok with me. Today I was more conscious AND mindful, and I chose to take the time to cut up veggies for salad for lunch instead of mindlessly throwing leftover pizza into the microwave (which would have been so much easier)! 

 

Consciousness requires awareness and diligence. It is not easy, and It often requires that we do what is "less easy."  But, in the end, it is so worth it as we more carefully honor our bodies and our spirits to live in a way that feels authentically good to us, as the people we are, not because we're making choices that someone else has told us we "should" make.  Consciousness, mindfulness, and awareness are practices that demand repetition. They are the tools with which we can begin to change our old ways, ways that may no longer serve us. 

 

How about you? How are you living a conscious, mindful, awake and aware life? We'd love to hear!  Please leave a comment below!!

 

 

Seeking Serenity

Is there a place that brings you
such peace, just by being there?
Where every breath of air just takes you gradually
into a deep state of ease and fills you with a strong sense of
"this is where I belong?"

A place where the cares of the world simply melt away and slip out of sight for awhile.

A place of relaxation, rejuvenation, even bliss...

A place where your heart sings, your soul rejoices, and every fiber of your being
is bathed in the incredible "rightness" of it all.

For me, that place is on the water with nature's sounds, sights, and smells filling the air.
All I have to do is enter this water zone and my breathing slows and deepens,
my smile broadens, my heart swells, and my eyes sparkle with a light from deep within.

The lake sparks something inside of me that lets me know that this is part of me,
and I am meant to be here.

Here I can simply BE.
Here I feel the oneness and the connection with all living things.

In this heaven on earth, I feel free.
I feel whole.
I am serenity.

In the Swamp

Every now and then I find myself
Stuck,
Deep in a dank and dark place,
Unable to see the light,
     even though I know it's there. 

Held here by my fears.
Held tightly by the negativity I feel
     within myself and from others.
Bound to this nasty place
Too weak to fight for fresh air

I feel the thoughts and attitudes of others
     wrap around me and pull me in.

I can't breathe here.
I can't remember who I am.
I don't know how I got here
     or how long I'll stay.

But for now it feels like this is
     all there is.

And, so I surrender.

And in that moment of letting go,
     a light of possibility emerges.
As I embrace the discomfort that
surrounds me, it loses its hold
and I no longer have to stay.

You're Already Here

Step on the path - any path.
There...you've arrived.
Precisely, perfectly where you are
     meant to be in this moment.
What glory greets you here?
What joys await?
What can you celebrate?

Too often we get tricked,
wrapped up in thinking,
"I'm getting there" or
"Someday, I'll get it."

There is no "there" and there is no "it:"
This is all you have that matters - 
     this moment.
What will you do with it?
BE.
That is all that's asked of you.
Breathe.
Be.
Experience.
And say "thank you."

It truly is that simple.
Why is that so hard?

Walk through the World Awake and Aware

What does it mean to be awake and aware?
It means to notice,
to listen,
to really hear,
to see,
to take in
the messages that are all around me.

It means to be conscious,
to notice how things affect me
and how what I do impacts others.

It means to choose consciously
what I do,
what I am around,
where I put my energy.

It means to be wise,
to listen to my own inner guidance,
to heed the red flags,
to breathe,
to learn,
to grow.

It means to face reality
and not sleep in denial.

And when I see reality,
to consciously decide how I will show up.

Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
Who is my best self, and
how do I access her no matter what?

Who do I align myself with?
Who drains me?
How do I stay in the right arena?

When I am awake and aware,
my mind can sleep, and
my heart will drive,
and I will end up where I am
     meant to be. 


(thank you to Robin Higgins for teaching me about being awake and aware many years ago!) 

Find the Truth

Find the truth...
In the midst of all the stories,
In the midst of all the rage,
In the midst of all the FEAR.

Dig deep.
It's in there - 
     inside your protected heart.

It's there.
Find it, 
Own it, and 
It will set you free.

Find your truth 
And live it. 

Numb

I can't even breathe.
There is no space for it.
I don't even know what I feel.
His intensity, his rage
     consume the space.

There is no space for me.
My body rigid,
My mind blank,
Trembling, unaware, and
    all too aware all at once.

No idea what to do,
No idea where to turn
     or how to feel.
I can't even cry
     on this horrible, unimagineable night.

I feel my heart shrivelling
     inside of me.
I feel the walls going up.
All I need to do now
     is survive.

No thought,
No hurt - it's too deep.
If I cry, the floodgates will open
And I will be consumed
     by what's in front of me,
     by what's incomprehensible,
     by what's real.

Numb....Simply numb. 

The What ifs

The What ifs can make you wonder.

The What ifs can make you cry.

The What ifs can stop you in your tracks,

without even knowing why.

The What ifs can be paralyzing –

they can take your breath away

and make you question yourself.

The What ifs can stop dreams

                from becoming reality.

The What ifs can keep us stuck…

What we know is safer – why push our luck?

HOWEVER, the What ifs can also sometimes

show up as a spark –

an inspiration,

an inkling,

a yearning deep down in our soul…

that creates a stirring,

an awakening of something long lost,

or long forgotten.

And, those What ifs can send us into

a land of new possibilities,

new dreams, new adventures…

It all depends on which What ifs you let into your life.

Which ones have a voice?

Which ones have a power?

Are they driven by fear and dread?

or are they driven by hope and anticipation?

Do they come from within or

do they come from others’ thoughts or voices?

Listen to the What ifs of the heart –

answer their call,

and the others will become more quiet,

more unfamiliar, more unnecessary over time.

How often do we let the pressure of what others think or want

drive us away from the amazing What ifs of our own Spirit –

the one that already knows the answers?

What if we listened to our hearts?

What if we followed our dreams?

What if?

What if we embraced each day with gratitude

for the gifts it brings?

What if we seek the nuggets of wisdom and perfection

in each and every experience, including the uncomfortable,

challenging, or scary ones?

What if we quieted the noisy mind and listened to our perfect inner guidance?

What if then?

Who knows?

Parenting: The Grand Delusion

Parenting...

We enter into it naively:
thinking that we have so much to 
teach these little perfect angels.

We dream of fantasy images-
     first steps,
     first dance,
     graduation,
     college,
     marriage,
     grandchildren.


We never dream or imagine
     what could go wrong - 
     the dark days,
     the anger,
     the lies, 
     the resentment,
     the fear and worry...


We imagine that we are in control.


We believe that we have an influence.


We feel that our children reflect us.


And, yet, the reality is
     these children are souls on their own life path,
     with their own lessons,
     their own pitfalls,
     their own will.


We do the best we can
     to share values, 
     to give love,
     to teach respect,
     to model a good work ethic.


And, ultimately,
     it falls at their feet - 
     it's their life...


What will they do with it?


Which paths will they take?
  
How long will it take them to figure things out?


Will they get there - EVER?


Letting go is the hardest lesson
     that our children teach us,
     and, yet, it is the greatest gift
     we can give to ourselves
          and to them.


It is the only way
     and it is so hard.  


When we cut the cord, we set ourselves free. 

The Insidious Monster

A monster
     that creeps up out of nowhere,
     slowly gaining strength,
     slowly taking over
     until the spirit does not
            stand a chance

Leading you to forget who you are,
     all your aspirations,
     all your dreams,
     all your ambition -
           GONE

Nothing matters except
     your next date with the monster

No one else matters -
     this is your greatest love.

It beckons endlessly,
     attacking in a moment of weakness,
     tempting with its insidous lure,
     deceiving with promises of joy.

Let it Be OK

Whatever I don't understand...
     Let it be OK.

Whatever I judge to be wrong...
     Let it be OK.

Whatever I am worried about...
     Let it be OK.

Whatever others do that angers me...
     Let it be OK.

Whatever I do that angers or confuses me...
     Let it be OK.

Just let it be OK...

Listen

Listen...
really listen...
deeply listen...

What do I know but
do not choose to hear?

What do I hear but
choose to ignore?

Listen to myself -
all of my answers are within me.

Listen to others -
what wisdom do they offer?
What can I learn by listening
to their insights and growth?
their fears?

Listen to my judgment of others -
what does that tell me about me?

Listen...
really listen...
stop talking,
stop thinking,
stop analyzing,
stop showing off,

And, just listen!

For one day,
one hour,
one moment...

What will I hear if I really listen?

What will I learn?

Where will it take me?

"Be Still and Know"

Listen... listen closely to that 
inner voice,
The voice that learned to stop calling...
long ago.
It's there, longing to be heard.
Longing to connect.
Hear it.  Feel it.  It's in the heart.


Quiet the mind, which has chattered
for so, so long now - endlessly
questioning,
challenging, 
berating,
belittling,
doubting, 
attacking.


It's no longer the mind's time to lead.


It is time to hear the beckoning of 
the inner voice,
the heartbeat, the energy
of the Spirit.


Be still and know...
there is no doubt when you
answer its call.  

(Thanks to Bea Harris for inspiring this blog with her talk!)  

Be Gentle With Yourself

I have often been advised to "not be so hard on myself."

However, it was not until recently that someone gently cautioned me to "Be gentle with yourself." Wow! What a different message, even though I think the senders had the same intent. This message sounds kind and supportive and lets me know that I am worthy. The other sounds harsh and critical, like I'm doing something wrong. One feels like someone cares; the other, not so much...

And since the first time I received this message to "Be gentle with yourself. The world hasn't changed," I have received it over and over from various sources. So, I decided to pay attention to it, to explore its meaning, and maybe to make it my theme for the rest of the year. For this has been a time of great personal growth, of new insights and awarenesses, of new ideas and new friendships. Being gentle with myself through life's shifts and transitions is very important.

So, what does it mean to "be gentle with myself?

It means to nurture and support and encourage myself the way that I do others.

To forgive myself when I show up or react in a way that I wish I hadn't.

It means to celebrate my awareness and the opportunity to choose differently rather than operating unconsciously by my old patterns.

Forgiveness and love are key; understanding, compassion, and patience...

Honoring my body and spirit and trusting that I know what I need for myself more than anyone else and giving myself permission to take the time and the space I need to take care of myself.

Remembering that it's not all about me and that often what others do or don't do has nothing to do with me at all or at least certainly has more to do with their own life circumstances and experiences than with me.

Accepting myself for both the qualities I love and admire and those that I sometimes wish I didn't have.

Recognizing that in each moment I am doing the best that I can with what I have.

Not expecting perfection and allowing mistakes to occur and to be the learning opportunities that they are.

Remembering to breathe and to take a pause every now and then.

Allowing others to take care of and nurture me and not think that I have to be so strong all the time.

Being ok with tears, anger, jealousy, and the other expressions of discontent that sometimes come through.

Remembering that there is a reason I do what I do and gently guiding myself to an alternative when an old pattern kicks in.

Reaching out for help and support when I need it.

Resting. Smiling. Laughing.

Making time for friendships and family.

Being present and allowing what IS to be.

Quieting my mind!

Allowing the questions and trusting the answers.

Doing what I can for others, but not expecting to be a super hero.

Not expecting more of myself than I do of others.

Aaaahhhhh... I feel myself sliding into a more peaceful place already!